So look up from your phone, shut down that display,
take in your surroundings, and make the most of today.
Just one real connection is all it can take,
to show you the difference that being there can make.
A few weeks ago at a weekend conference, we were presented with a video as part of one of the talks. The video narrated by Gary Turk, called “Look Up”, laments how, over the years, our attentions have been mostly diverted to our phones, rather than to the people in front of us. We crave the attention from the “likes” we get for posting in social media that we have often let the attention define our self-worth. Turk points out that because of our diverted attention, we often miss opportunities, one of which may be encountering that special someone many of us Singles are looking for.
My relationship with social media is somewhat complicated. While I enjoy the ease of keeping in touch with family and friends abroad, and sharing moments with people dear to me, many of the shared posts are like the McDonalds of journalism – posts meant to amuse us for a minute, but offer no real positive value towards our well-being. More often than not, we are left feeling unhappy after spending time in social media from seeing highlights of our friends’ lives that make us feel inadequate.
One unintended consequence of not having cellular phone signal when traveling abroad is that it forces you to “look up” and figure things out on the fly. A few months ago, I went on a month-long trip around the world. The last stop in my trip is South Korea, where a friend of mine is from. We had met a few years ago in the East Coast through a mentorship program with the University we both attended. Following a few “mentor-mentee” meetings, he invited me to visit him in Korea when I have the chance.1
My friend and I met for dinner at local barbeque restaurant that served other kinds of beef, such as beef intestines, beef tongue, and beef liver. After dinner, my friend and I took a taxi to the Han River to hang out some more. We bought some snacks and beer at the nearby convenience store before heading towards the river bank. The evening was a cool 65°F (or about 18°C), with a windy breeze that seemed to blow away whatever worries I had in my life. Many people were spread throughout the river bank that evening shooting the breeze (pun totally intended). My friend and I conversed for more than two hours in the late evening at the Han River, sharing about life and some of our dreams as we ate snacks and sipped on beer.
My friend lamented that while South Korea is a prosperous country, many of their people are unhappy. In fact, South Korea has the highest suicide rate among developed countries, largely in part because of how much pressure is placed in their society to succeed and to work 10-plus hours/day. People are judged by the company they work for, their occupation, and whether they have material assets, such as a house, car, and money. What you are matters more than who you are. We met again the following day at a café in his office, and what was supposed to be a thirty minute break at work for my friend turned into another two-hour long conversation. Before we parted ways, my friend appreciated our conversations that he welcomed me to meet his family the next time I visit Korea.
On my flight back home, I thought about the places and people whom I crossed paths with in my trip. Upon reflecting on the time spent with my friend, one of Dale Carnegie’s lessons from his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” resonated with me.
Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.2
Although our world has evolved to one filled with technology, convenience, and a stronger desire for prestige, we all still yearn for attention and for someone to listen to us. In a world where many of our conversations are now filled with “Yeah yeah yeahs” sprinkled with an eagerness to talk about ourselves without listening, the greatest gift we can give a person at that moment in time is our undivided attention. A week after returning from my trip, I ensured my new phone is free of unnecessary applications. So long Snapchat. So long GroupMe. So long Gmail. And so long facebook.
I was recommended to watch the Korean drama “My Love from the Star” during my trip. The drama tells the story about an alien who landed in Earth, and, 400 years later, falls in love with a top Korean actress before he leaves Earth. While the drama’s premise sounded overly unrealistic for my tastes – I mean, since when do aliens speak Korean? 진짜?!?! – I watched the drama. The main character, Do Min-joon, realizes that despite living for so long in this world, it’s not actually the length of time that’s important so much as it’s the people you spend it with. Love hit Do Min-joon so hard that we was willing to reveal his secret identity as an alien and his superpowers to lay down his life and protect her. That person, for Do Min-joon, happens to be Korea’s top actress, Cheon Song-yi, who conveniently happens to live next door to him. Didn’t I already say that Korean dramas can be too unrealistic?3
So look up from your phone, shut down those displays,
we have a finite existence, a set number of days.
Why waste all our time getting caught in the net,
as when the end comes, nothing’s worse than regret.
A few days ago, my mother and I attended the wedding of a family friend’s daughter. At the wedding reception, we conversed with the people who sat at the same table as us, many of whom I met for the first time. It turns out that we shared other mutual family friends, and I graduated from the same school as one of them. On the way home from the wedding, my mother shared with me some of the outings and get-togethers she attended with family friends back in the 1980s. One common theme that struck me throughout the evening was how everyone we knew over the years had crossed paths with each other at one point in their lives.
It dawned on me that the moments we share with each other, whether it is a prayer group meeting, a weekend conference, or a gathering with family and friends, may not come again. Rather than focusing on who is attending, we can shift our focus to being grateful for sharing moments with those people who do attend. Rather than focusing whether an event will be any good, we can shift our focus to expressing gratitude for being able to participate at the event. Who knows? We might meet someone who can change our lives just by looking up and giving them our undivided attention. As someone in his late 20s, I have come to realize that many of my regrets in my early 20s came from not taking more chances than I did. Many of those regrets came from my fear of initiating conversations with strangers and placing high expectations on encounters, rather than living in the moment, causing me to look down on my phone quite often to avoid my own awkwardness.
Don’t give in to a life where you follow the hype,
give people your love, don’t give them your like.
Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined
Go out into the world, leave distractions behind.
One of our greatest assets in this world is our time. By shifting our attentions to listening without judgment, we start making the most of our time. We give others the best gift we can give at that moment without expectation, and life somehow surprises us with gifts we cannot buy. Stronger friendships. Memories that last throughout the years. Above all, love that heals our brokenness. By savoring the present for what it is, we make the ordinary extraordinary. In the end, our character (who we are) and what we share with others in-person stands out more than our earthly accomplishments (what we are) and what we post in social media.
That being said, I’ll end this post on a lighter note with a rhyme of my own:
I was unsure about including my thoughts on “My Love From Another Star”,
But it worked in this post better than Lil’ Wayne trying to play a guitar.4
The greatest moments in my life came from sharing time with family and friends,
Where love, not a facebook like, withstood the test of time and paid dividends.
Thinking about the memories shared with those dear to me will surely bring a smile,
Especially those times in Korea I had whispered in my head, “Oppa Gangnam Style!”
I hope you are inspired to live in the moment, to be present, and to look up,
Because who knows? Life might unexpectedly present you with a hook up. 😉
1 Our “mentor-mentee” meetings were more like informal hangouts, rather than me advising like a sensei. Special shout out to UCDC for the pairing. It surely changed our lives for the better.
2 “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie (p. 82). This quote was actually made by former Harvard president Charles W. Eliot as one of Carnegie’s examples, which falls under Part 2, Principle #4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. I carried this book with me to read on my bus rides around Seoul as each bus trip often took about an hour, giving me enough time to read through the whole book during my stay in Korea. This book offers sound advice, especially in a world that craves our attentions. Just be aware that some of Carnegie’s advice can be a bit of brown-nosing in today’s society, as the book was originally written about 80 years ago.
3 I will admit, though, the scene where Do Min-joon kissed Cheon Song-yi at the red carpet as others present did the mannequin challenge time stood still gave me the feels. You can watch the scene here.
4 Google “Lil’ Wayne guitar” when you get the chance.
Last but not least, you can find Gary Turk’s poem “Look Up” here: http://garyturk.com/portfolio-item/lookup/